I never really thought my story would be relevant to anything until now. I didn’t think anyone would want to hear my side of things. I’ve been raised in a Christian home my whole life, (and I’m not saying Christians are bad, I’m still one of them,) it’s just that my parents are a bit extreme. My whole family for that matter. They’ve always viewed being gay as one of the most terrible things in the world. It killed me to think that my parents would think that about people. I was raised to love everyone, but hate some? It didn’t make any sense to me.
Four years ago though, I met my best friend who is still there for me today, but I started developing feelings for him. It was weird. I met him at church. I thought having feelings for him was wrong, but, it didn’t feel that way. It felt right to love him, but I never said anything.
A couple of years ago, he moved away to Texas. I’m a sensitive person, but I don’t think I’ve ever cried harder than that moment in my entire life. I was completely devastated. I loved him more than anyone else but couldn’t tell anyone. Even with him going away. After that, I started hating myself for my feelings. I was so torn. There were moments I’d rather not speak about where I got much too close to the edge. Then I thought I had the solution: if I had a girlfriend, and I fell in love with her, then I’d be straight. Right?
I got a girlfriend and we had a lot of fun. But she was never on that same level. She was always just like a friend. But she was my first kiss. She was my first relationship. A year of my life. Gone now. I ended it. I felt terrible and destroyed by the end. We fought, and after a month of not talking and being apart, I apologized. I told her the truth, and she just felt bad for me. That wasn’t my goal of course. My goal was a fear driven selfish one, but it’s behind me.
I never lost those feelings for my friend that I had developed so long ago. I’ve learned to accept myself for who I am now, no matter what anyone else says. I haven’t told him yet though. I see him in a few weeks. He wants me to fly out and see him. I really hope I have enough courage to tell him. Thank you guys for supporting me. It means a lot. Just to know that people care about me.