Putting the “Smile” back in Smiley

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Hello, my name is Hallie Smiley, or as some people know me on the internet, eillahwolf.

 Well, I guess I should start my story off from the beginning… Back in 5th grade, I had some “friends” that turned their backs on me and pretty much ignored me. Unlike most people who have to face harsh words from their peers, I had to face silence. Instead of being pointed out of a crowd, I was almost completely ignored. I soon found myself unable to trust other people, turning into the Fluttershy-level shy person that I still mostly am today. I learned that it was better to hold in my emotions than to express them. And after so many years of doing that, I still find it hard to express many emotions, even joy, properly. This is why when someone draws art of/for me, or gives me a gift, I just sit there laughing, because that is my way of saying thank you, because just “Thank you” seems so trivial to me, like something you have to say. If you saw me in real life without actually talking to me, you would see a blank, emotionless face, no matter how I feel inside.
  Back on topic, throughout middle school, I was that one kid who had no friends, who nobody talked to, who always ate by herself at lunch. There were some people that I had known  since preschool that I didn’t speak a single word to for years. I got, well, let’s say I got, no… I’m not going to soften it. I got depressed. Very much so. Even to the point where I wanted to do a… certain… act, and almost did. Thank The Lord I didn’t. I started my freshman year and joined my school’s swim team. I had some friends kind of forced themselves upon me, and I am so glad that they did. I was happy again. And I was until I graduated.
  I went from a small private school with a graduating class of 53 people, most of whom had been at that school since preschool like me, to a large campus for my first year of college. I was still VERY shy, and was unable to make a single friend. Well, in real life anyway, but I’ll get to that later. I had already discovered this amazing fandom and had become a brony the summer before, thanks to a single random Facebook post from a friend. Before that I didn’t even know the show had ever existed. So I had that to get me through each day, but just barely. I began to become depressed again. There were many nights that I cried myself to sleep, asking what was wrong with me, why was I unable to make any friends.
  One day back in November 2012, I discovered the “Children of the Night” animatic (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-3wp2VVhKQ) and I fell in love with it. One of the suggested videos off to the side was a video called “Cutie Art Crusaders Episode 3 – ‘Children of the Night’ Interview” and I decided to watch it. I thought, “Hey, these guys are really funny, and they seem to know a lot about art, and they have more videos. I might as well watch them.” And the more I watched, the more I loved them. They made me do something that I hadn’t done very much of since I had gone of to college. They helped me laugh and smile again…
  I soon learned that their podcast was streamed each Tuesday on the Everfree Network. I decided to try it. I hadn’t been to many, if any, streams at all at this point. I learned that they were going to have a fan art episode, and while I hadn’t done very much pony art at the time, I decided to draw them something anyway (http://fav.me/d5n3953). They helped me to revive my love of art, and I am now an art major.
  As I attended more of their streamed podcasts, I discovered other fans of theirs, and started attending their art streams, especially that of AssasinMonkey (http://assasinmonkey.deviantart.com/). I met people in his stream chat who were also fans of the CAC, people who I would honestly call my friends. I still keep in touch with these people pretty much every day.
  Basically, these 4 amazing guys who do “some silly show about art” (as said by one of them), brought me back from the brink of the gaping hole of depression and saved my life. That’s probably why you’d see so much art of them from me on my deviantART. Since I still have trouble expressing myself, that’s how I tell them thank you. But that wasn’t enough. I mean, just how do you thank someone for basically saving your life?
  A while back, I learned that, for the first time EVER, ALL 4 of the CAC would be meeting each other in real life. This would be happening at Everfree Northwest in Seattle, Washington this past July. Less than a month before the con, I decided I was going to go all the way there from South Carolina, just so I could thank these four amazing people in person. There was one point during the convention when I was in the artists’ hall and I suddenly just became overwhelmed. I thought to myself, “I am here, surrounded by people like me. People who can understand me. I don’t have to hold this part of me back here.” I actually had to sit down because I was almost crying from joy.
  On Sunday, the last day of the con, I FINALLY got the courage to shakily mumble my story to them when they were all together, so now they know just what they’ve done for me.
  But I wouldn’t have even been able to find them if it wasn’t for this amazing fandom. So I just want to thank all of you for being absolutely amazing. I do still have shyness issues, and was actually diagnosed with Social Anxiety and Anxiety disorders this past summer. But I have the fandom to help me through it. I have more friends now than I have ever had throughout my entire life, even if I haven’t actually met most of them in real life. I consider bronies not a fandom, really, but a family. And my huge family has helped me to put the smile back in Smiley. :3
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2 comments to Putting the “Smile” back in Smiley

  • Alterbix  says:

    i’m so happy for u, is nice that you could fix your problems. at same time is a bit sad to see all these stories that have a “nice, good” ending, and i still can’t find mine

  • Ecoyli  says:

    It’s funny. What may seem insignificant to one person could be a life saver to another. Glad to see your okay.

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