My name is Jeremy Wanzer, and I have been diagnosed with a couple mental disorders, mainly Bipolar, but with another that has apparently stumped every psychiatrist I’ve gone to, as it has changed at least 3 times and has finally been removed this last time I was tested and such. There will be no names other than my own, to protect privacy and such.
I was originally diagnosed with Aspergers and Bipolar around age 8, and since then, looking back, I have noticed that my mother started changing how she acted towards me. She used to have such care for me, but at that point, I could not tell then, but looking back on it, it started fading. I was probably too young to see it then, but all I can think is that she was embarrassed or some such for having a disabled child. One thing that kinda points to this is the fact of the time i broke my leg in Tae-Kwon-Do classes. My father tried to tell me to rest after, during the leg sweeps we were doing, i felt my shin pop in two places, at the top and bottom, but my mother refused to let me and sent me back out, saying that people’s shins couldn’t pop. A few minutes later, probably only a minute actually, I limped over to the side of the mat and was crying my eyes out. My mother was yelling at me while my father came to my side and tested around my leg before picking me up and carrying me to the car, my mom following behind to take me to the hospital. Now, my father divorced her when I was around 12, and she later remarried to my stepfather, who at first seemed nice. That all changed pretty much on the wedding day though. They enforced all these crazy rules, one of which being after i graduated high school, that to attend college I had to get up with my mother and she had to take me to the school, usually leaving before 6 or right around 6 in the morning when it took about 10 minutes to get there and the school didn’t open until 8 at the earliest. after i failed because of sleeping through too many classes because of this, I was forced to go out looking for work Monday through Friday 9-5, and if I was not out on time, my stepfather, if he was off that day, made sure to shove me out the door as fast as he could, usually not even letting me eat beforehand. One time, it was pouring down rain, and he did not let me get my coat or anything, and honestly, in the rush he was in to get me out, I’m surprised I was even able to get dressed before he pushed me out and closed and locked the door. That day, I’m just lucky the neighbors took me in until 5, but I still got the punishment for not getting the 5 names and numbers of places i put in applications, plus I couldn’t leave my room for the day except for bathroom or food. This to someone who is 19 years old. I know i was still living with them and such, but you would think that, being 19, I wouldn’t have to put up with being grounded to my room. And that’s only half the cake right there.
Now, don’t get me wrong, my stepfather seemed nice and all at first, but that’s not the point of all this. The point is, before that, when my father was around, I had threatened to hurt myself a few times. And yet, when my mom remarried, my first “I am going to kill myself” episode was mere months after, all because she apparently couldn’t handle that I was mentally unstable because of my diagnoses. I did not learn of the show, let alone the fandom, until I was out of that house, and that only happened because I confronted them about emotional blackmail, made me go to the psychiatrist, and from there was sent to the psych unit for the most retarded of reasons, not answering a question. Following my admission into the unit, I was placed originally into the ICPU (Intensive Care Psychiatric Unit) because there was no room available on the actual unit. I asked for a 72 hour notice paper, and they told me I would have to wait until I was on the main units for it. When I got to the main unit, I immediately asked for one, but didn’t receive it until that night just before the scheduled bedtime. So I signed it, asked who my psychiatrist was for my stay, and it was the same one who had sent me there in the first place, causing me to immediately ask for a change, until they told me that doing so would delay the 72 hour notice’s effect date. The psychiatrist ended up allowing me to leave after the 3 days, but only gave me a prescription for the meds I was on beforehand, which had stopped working months prior so I had stopped taking, and actually felt better afterwards. And, even before all this, I had been in and out of that same place more times than I can remember.
Now, before I get too far ahead of myself, lets rewind a little bit again. Before that last incursion into the psych unit, I had gotten into the game Second Life, I’m sure a good portion of you have at least heard of it. But I had met many good friends on there, and even had another whole family on it as well. I actually heard of the show and such from some of them I met on there, but that came later. point is, I found the acceptance I needed, and my mother and stepfather were trying to prevent me from accessing it any way they could, using the age old punishment of “grounding” to do so. I still keep in contact with most of them to this day, but a few have fallen out of touch. after they kicked me out, I had an even harder time finding ways to stay connected with my support network, seeing as how they took the phone they gave me and everything, making it nigh impossible to find a job. And with no income, I was in real danger of being kicked out of the place I was at, which I ended up leaving before I did something like I was back at my mothers house again. From there, I ended up bouncing around a couple friend’s places, both of which I left voluntarily for the same reasons, but one I had to beg and plead with to just let me sleep in the back of their full-metal SUV, with winter fast approaching. So in short, I then moved up to Pennsylvania shortly after I almost caught hypothermia 3 times in one night. That’s where the real story starts.
When I originally came up here, I had a couple friends who were going to help me until I could get on my own two feet. Well, one had a mother who backed out after I was already in the house, bringing police in when she had said before that I could stay. The other had a father who wouldn’t let me stay there without yelling at me and him both, so that was also a pretty much no-go. I ended up being able to stay at another place for one more day before bouncing over to a shelter run by Orthodox Catholic nut jobs, who if you did one thing out of line, kicked you to the curb, unless it was forgivable with writing sentences, like cursing or saying “dude”. I am not joking, one “dude” and you wrote 25 lines of “I will not say dude”. They said it is not something you call someone you respect, which is pretty much the opposite of what it is used for. Dude is used all the time for people that you respect and are friends with. admittedly, it is sometimes used the other way, but I haven’t seen that much.
After that incident, I went back to my two friends, before going to another religious nut job shelter, before my first trip to a Pennsylvania psych center. Now, it was shortly before this that I got into MLP: FiM, and the week and a half I was in there, I was almost constantly wondering “whats gonna happen in the next episode?” Admittedly, I did not find this song until a couple months after, but when I did, I was just glad I didn’t falter in my holding back of my tears, as I was in the library at the time and didn’t need to be crying in there. Since my mother married my stepfather, I had more often than not hidden my emotions behind this false mask of “I don’t give a crap”. But at seeing that video, I immediately got onto my youtube downloader and downloaded it to my laptop so I could listen to it whenever I wanted. I guess it touched a sore spot and helped it to heal a little, as after I saw that, and, admittedly, Pinkie’s “Smile” song, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life: help as many people as I could and make them smile, like the show had done for me. Watching the show, although admittedly a little corny and hard to bear in some episodes, has helped wonders, in addition to listening to this song. That isn’t to say that I have stopped being depressed and such, just saying it has become that much easier to manage over the past.
All in all, the message I think I am trying to get across, is that, it is OK to be yourself, even if your parents do not approve, or you have been diagnosed with some disorder or another. Just be yourself, and anyone who does not accept you for who you are is probably needing help the most, so give them that help, even if they don’t want it, just offer it, you may be surprised to find that they accept, I know I was a few times.
Whatever you do though, don’t conform to everyone around you, a little conforming can sometimes help in a bind, but never do it so much that you lose yourself, like I have done. Just be yourself, remain positive, and never forget that Friendship is Magic, like this wonderful show has been teaching us these many years, whether people realize it or not.
Stay strong everypony!
I think Jeremy left a very important message. Always do your best to remain positive. When times are tough there’s no need to make it tougher on yourself. While it may seem hard or even impossible, remaining positive and keeping your head up and looking to the future gives you a better chance than keeping your head down and beating yourself up. Life will always present challenges no need to create them for yourself.